All We Need is Love
Part III—Learning to Love
The Virginia Tech massacre and Alec Baldwin’s voice-mail recorded rant to his daughter were an ironic concurrence in the same week, the latter a demonstration of what may cause the former. Children and young people who feel unloved, unwanted, condemned, put down, and abused mature into angry, potentially destructive adults. Some become self-destructive and violent even as children. Alec Baldwin epitomizes this narcissistic culture, in which far too many parents abuse the children who need their authentic love. I remember watching a mother say to her daughter, “I love you,” which was her signal to “Get me a Pepsi!” Perhaps it was harmless, but I found it appalling. The more self-serving the parent the greater is the potential for emotionally damaging the child. At the least, deep insecurities foster further self-centered attitudes; at the worst, self-doubt leads to self-destruction or aggression toward others they may blame for hurting them. In a culture where angry rhetoric is increasingly common, anger easily turns to hatred; even the angry rhetoric is a symptom of a culture that has become intolerant of anyone who seems to oppose or interfere with what people want.
In Part I of this series, I suggested that love is the answer to this problem, and I offered the notion that the problem is love’s opposite: selfish self-centeredness, also called narcissism. Both apathy and hatred are components of excessive self-interest, and love is caring about others, especially those most important, at least as much as caring about one’s self. Part II expanded on this concept of love because only genuine love, caring, compassion, and affection, whether as spouses, parents, or friends will make any positive difference.
A prescription for love is not a program Congress can legislate. We CAN fix it--the government CAN NOT! Love will not come, instantly or easily, by some single, enormous effort; but it can come, at a geometric rate, if we Christians love those around us, especially the children , in the manner I Corinthians 13:4-8a describes ("Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeing, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."), by the example of Christ in Romans 5:8 ("But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us"). WE have to do it; it starts with us. Our forefathers did it, transformed Western Civilization, and created a unique culture in the United States that prevailed for most of its 200 hundred years of history. Saying “I love you” isn’t enough, telling people of Jesus' love is not enough, certainly just sitting complacently in His love is not, we must show His love by loving, prepared to explain why, when they ask about our compassion (I Peter 3:15). No one is more urgently in need of being loved than children and teenagers, first by their parents, and then by mentors and true friends.
Parents must put their own children first. Paul set a high standard in Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others (including children, especially your own!) as better than yourselves." This is the rule in all relationships, but nowhere is its application more essential than in the lives of children. For decades now, inherent selfishness has been reinforced, in countless ways--"Look out for Number One," "I gotta be me," "Do it for yourself," and similar messages in entertainment, advertising, popular culture, and psychology--justifying divorce, adultery, abandonment, and neglect. Putting kids first is the only way to restore the necessary balance, and it is the only way to reach parity between the care of others and care for one's self, called for by the Great Commandment, "Love your neighbor (including your child or spouse) as yourself."
Parents must love their children clearly and undeniably, in several irreplaceable ways--basic needs, words, touch, attention, time, acceptance, and respect. Please note that material generosity is NOT on this list. Providing basic needs--food, clothing, shelter, health care, and protection--is certainly necessary, but buying the nicest things or the latest toys are unimportant compared to the essentials of genuine love. The urge to get bigger houses and more things is more an expression of the provider's need to prove love than essential for a child’s wellbeing. We see this clearly in the lives of very wealthy celebrities and their "spoiled," unhappy offspring. Somehow, as more people enjoy prosperity, good sense has given way to parents’ self-centered motivations. Money cannot buy what money cannot produce, but many surely try.
I know my father loved me because he worked hard to provide for us, his family. When everyone worked hard, six days, even seven days a week, from dawn to dusk, just to survive, children had less cause to wonder or question their parents' love. Where survival is no longer a concern, more work means less of other, intangible necessities, regardless of intent. Families worked hard together, giving little occasion to wonder why parents were gone or involved with others instead of with their families. Now, two-income families, dads and even moms "climbing the corporate ladder," busy social calendars, parents too weary at home to have time or energy for their children, yet justifying their "need" to play golf or make regular visits to the beauty parlor, says to the children, "We have more important responsibilities than you. We have better things to do with our time."
Children must hear the words, "I love you." More, they need to hear encouraging words that build up rather than tear down, such as "What's the matter with you? You're just like your father! Can't you ever do anything right? I can't love you when you are bad." Words discourage or inspire, create dreams or nightmares, generate trust or mistrust, build honest self-assurance or self-doubt, or enable obstacles to be overcome or produce insurmountable difficulties. Too often "I love you" is spoken while a contrary message is conveyed otherwise: "You're stupid," "You're not good enough," "You're unlovable" or “I love you as long as you please me.”
Teaching self-esteem has become a popular fad, an attempt to compensate in schools for what may be lacking in homes. The best way for schools to cultivate healthy self-esteem is for good teachers to help students achieve their intellectual potential; instead, many think to remove the embarrassment of failure by concealing it and pretending that each student is okay. Success is the key to self-esteem at school, but not even the best education will replace the benefits of truly loving, affectionate parents.
In a culture obsessed with sex, most have forgotten the non-sexual, loving touch, and it is now often suspect. Small children may be hugged, kissed, and cuddled; but, as they grow up, the culture fosters a rejection of physical affection by the child and fear of it in the parent, especially fathers. Yet, emotional health depends on touch, touchability, not being untouchable. Yielding to cultural bias is to accept its distorted sexual message. Instead, loving parents must find ways to express their love physically, in a creative, non-sexual way--a pat on the back, hugs, backrubs, tickling, a well-timed handshake, wrestling, hair-mussing, even kisses--by BOTH parents!
All of us have many demands for our attention, but none of them are more important than children. "Not right now," "Don't bother your father," and a mindless "uh uh, uh uh" must give way to "I have nothing more important to do than listen to you." Parents who complain that their teens will not talk may have created the problem by not listening. I once helped a mother and teenage son solve a problem, simply by gently preventing the mother from interrupting her son and judging his words before he spoke them. Her quite normal anxiety about his growing independence had kept her from trusting him; her failure to hear him kept her from realizing her mistake. When my intervention forced her to listen, they were able to solve their own problem. Parents of adolescents fall easily into lecturing too much and listening too little; they must force themselves to "shut up and listen!" Prying or fear-based invasion of a teen's privacy will destroy openness; a long-established habit of patient, unflappable interest and sensitivity will create trust and assurance of love.
All of this takes time. "Quality time" is a myth designed to assuage the guilt of too busy people. Quality of involvement takes quantity of time. Every day is not too often. Hours long "dates" and daylong outings are not too long. Listening and talking take time. Getting to know each other as parent and child takes time. Training a child in faith and virtue takes time, and children can admire and emulate only those around enough to be seen (and they will spend their time with someone, somewhere!). Learning together, working together, and having fun together take time. What other expenditure of time is more valuable? The simple truth is that everyone finds time to do what really matters to them, and nothing should matter more than one's children.
Time and involvement will eventually reveal both the doubts and fears of the child and areas of disagreement between the diverging personalities of parents and child. Wise, loving parents work extra hard to convey their acceptance of the person, despite their own or their child's feelings. Acceptance is a critical element of love and of enduring relationships. Selfish, insecure people require agreement, conformity, and control to fortify their own worth. Secure, loving people can tolerate disagreement, loved ones finding their own way to maturity; they will affirm their love but allow their spouse or children the freedom to be themselves. Even when they make mistakes, poor choices, and do wrong, the loving parent will accept the person while rejecting the sin, just as God has done for us.
Closely related to acceptance is respect. In some situations, including one of our mission statements , I use respect instead of love to avoid the confusion I discussed above. In human terms, respect is an attitude that affirms another's equality in every way: "You are as much a creature in God's image as I am. You have a right to be your own person. Regardless of the differences between us in age, gender, race, religion, experience, education, economic or social standing, or preferences about a multitude of things, I will not deny you your humanity, your right to life, property, citizenship, or liberty, or intrinsic value." You cannot love a neighbor without respecting him, and parents cannot love their child without respect for him or her.
Loving mentors are good for kids. Many parents will never see this. Many parents will choose to reject their children to serve their own interests. Some parents face challenges beyond their control, whether of their own doing or not. Some children need more than their parents can give. Some self-centered parents are jealous of the attentions of any other adult. No child can have too much wholesome attention and love, especially from caring adults. A teacher, a family friend, a parent of a friend, a coach, a grandparent, a neighbor, or an adult from church can become a mentor, who basically listens, keeps confidences, affirms, encourages, gently corrects (but without parental authority), and loves unconditionally. They may mentor in a specific capacity, such as a teacher or coach, or they may do so merely as a godly friend and influence. A mentor can become the sounding board and friend who supports faith and virtue, in place of a peer or older friend who encourages all the wrong things. Loving mentors are especially critical for children abused or abandoned by their parents, children in single parent homes, orphaned children, and children with special needs. Mentors are invaluable for almost any teen to help offset the pressures, distortions, and outright lies of the world (that is, peers and culture), the flesh (their own bad instincts), and the devil.
A mentor is not a parent, must never presume to take over the parental role (without legal provision or agreement by parent and child, in cases such as guardians and step parents). Some teachers think that their "expertise" gives them priority over untrained parents; yet, no one can or should usurp the ties of blood and promise that make a family. A mentor can support the parent or, where the parent is grossly irresponsible or inaccessible by adoption or death, help the child understand and realistically love their parent(s).
In any case, the mentor reinforces the love of parents and family, in many of the ways described above (with care for issues of impropriety and harassment), and provides a strong, positive message of love to counter the negative messages they suspect or hear. In this, a mentor has a power that a parent does not, a persuasive influence by choice that carries a weight that the requirements of parents cannot. A mentor's affirmation, acceptance, attention, encouragement, and love, without any kind of inherent obligation, conveys a truth that may not be so easily accepted when a parent or relative says it (Mom and Dad have to love me, but this friend loves me because he or she wants to, finds something good in me, believes in me, or cares for me just because she does!). Of course, in time and sometimes with the encouragement of a mentor, a child will eventually come to appreciate fully that their parents’ love is matchless and genuine.
For these reasons, and in this way, every kid needs a mentor!
Of course, most of us benefit from having mentors, people who influence us as we grow as individuals, in our careers, as spouses and parents, and through the difficult passages of life. Good mentors teach from their wisdom, show us by their example, and sometimes speak to us the hard truths we need to avoid even greater troubles, perhaps of our own making. A mentor’s maturity may offer a perspective that helps others accept their own and other’s failings, resolve conflicts, reconcile broken relationships, and find healing. Our world needs more mentors like this; I call them peacemakers, and becoming peacemakers is the subject of Part IV.
The Virginia Tech massacre and Alec Baldwin’s voice-mail recorded rant to his daughter were an ironic concurrence in the same week, the latter a demonstration of what may cause the former. Children and young people who feel unloved, unwanted, condemned, put down, and abused mature into angry, potentially destructive adults. Some become self-destructive and violent even as children. Alec Baldwin epitomizes this narcissistic culture, in which far too many parents abuse the children who need their authentic love. I remember watching a mother say to her daughter, “I love you,” which was her signal to “Get me a Pepsi!” Perhaps it was harmless, but I found it appalling. The more self-serving the parent the greater is the potential for emotionally damaging the child. At the least, deep insecurities foster further self-centered attitudes; at the worst, self-doubt leads to self-destruction or aggression toward others they may blame for hurting them. In a culture where angry rhetoric is increasingly common, anger easily turns to hatred; even the angry rhetoric is a symptom of a culture that has become intolerant of anyone who seems to oppose or interfere with what people want.
In Part I of this series, I suggested that love is the answer to this problem, and I offered the notion that the problem is love’s opposite: selfish self-centeredness, also called narcissism. Both apathy and hatred are components of excessive self-interest, and love is caring about others, especially those most important, at least as much as caring about one’s self. Part II expanded on this concept of love because only genuine love, caring, compassion, and affection, whether as spouses, parents, or friends will make any positive difference.
A prescription for love is not a program Congress can legislate. We CAN fix it--the government CAN NOT! Love will not come, instantly or easily, by some single, enormous effort; but it can come, at a geometric rate, if we Christians love those around us, especially the children , in the manner I Corinthians 13:4-8a describes ("Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeing, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."), by the example of Christ in Romans 5:8 ("But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us"). WE have to do it; it starts with us. Our forefathers did it, transformed Western Civilization, and created a unique culture in the United States that prevailed for most of its 200 hundred years of history. Saying “I love you” isn’t enough, telling people of Jesus' love is not enough, certainly just sitting complacently in His love is not, we must show His love by loving, prepared to explain why, when they ask about our compassion (I Peter 3:15). No one is more urgently in need of being loved than children and teenagers, first by their parents, and then by mentors and true friends.
Parents must put their own children first. Paul set a high standard in Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others (including children, especially your own!) as better than yourselves." This is the rule in all relationships, but nowhere is its application more essential than in the lives of children. For decades now, inherent selfishness has been reinforced, in countless ways--"Look out for Number One," "I gotta be me," "Do it for yourself," and similar messages in entertainment, advertising, popular culture, and psychology--justifying divorce, adultery, abandonment, and neglect. Putting kids first is the only way to restore the necessary balance, and it is the only way to reach parity between the care of others and care for one's self, called for by the Great Commandment, "Love your neighbor (including your child or spouse) as yourself."
Parents must love their children clearly and undeniably, in several irreplaceable ways--basic needs, words, touch, attention, time, acceptance, and respect. Please note that material generosity is NOT on this list. Providing basic needs--food, clothing, shelter, health care, and protection--is certainly necessary, but buying the nicest things or the latest toys are unimportant compared to the essentials of genuine love. The urge to get bigger houses and more things is more an expression of the provider's need to prove love than essential for a child’s wellbeing. We see this clearly in the lives of very wealthy celebrities and their "spoiled," unhappy offspring. Somehow, as more people enjoy prosperity, good sense has given way to parents’ self-centered motivations. Money cannot buy what money cannot produce, but many surely try.
I know my father loved me because he worked hard to provide for us, his family. When everyone worked hard, six days, even seven days a week, from dawn to dusk, just to survive, children had less cause to wonder or question their parents' love. Where survival is no longer a concern, more work means less of other, intangible necessities, regardless of intent. Families worked hard together, giving little occasion to wonder why parents were gone or involved with others instead of with their families. Now, two-income families, dads and even moms "climbing the corporate ladder," busy social calendars, parents too weary at home to have time or energy for their children, yet justifying their "need" to play golf or make regular visits to the beauty parlor, says to the children, "We have more important responsibilities than you. We have better things to do with our time."
Children must hear the words, "I love you." More, they need to hear encouraging words that build up rather than tear down, such as "What's the matter with you? You're just like your father! Can't you ever do anything right? I can't love you when you are bad." Words discourage or inspire, create dreams or nightmares, generate trust or mistrust, build honest self-assurance or self-doubt, or enable obstacles to be overcome or produce insurmountable difficulties. Too often "I love you" is spoken while a contrary message is conveyed otherwise: "You're stupid," "You're not good enough," "You're unlovable" or “I love you as long as you please me.”
Teaching self-esteem has become a popular fad, an attempt to compensate in schools for what may be lacking in homes. The best way for schools to cultivate healthy self-esteem is for good teachers to help students achieve their intellectual potential; instead, many think to remove the embarrassment of failure by concealing it and pretending that each student is okay. Success is the key to self-esteem at school, but not even the best education will replace the benefits of truly loving, affectionate parents.
In a culture obsessed with sex, most have forgotten the non-sexual, loving touch, and it is now often suspect. Small children may be hugged, kissed, and cuddled; but, as they grow up, the culture fosters a rejection of physical affection by the child and fear of it in the parent, especially fathers. Yet, emotional health depends on touch, touchability, not being untouchable. Yielding to cultural bias is to accept its distorted sexual message. Instead, loving parents must find ways to express their love physically, in a creative, non-sexual way--a pat on the back, hugs, backrubs, tickling, a well-timed handshake, wrestling, hair-mussing, even kisses--by BOTH parents!
All of us have many demands for our attention, but none of them are more important than children. "Not right now," "Don't bother your father," and a mindless "uh uh, uh uh" must give way to "I have nothing more important to do than listen to you." Parents who complain that their teens will not talk may have created the problem by not listening. I once helped a mother and teenage son solve a problem, simply by gently preventing the mother from interrupting her son and judging his words before he spoke them. Her quite normal anxiety about his growing independence had kept her from trusting him; her failure to hear him kept her from realizing her mistake. When my intervention forced her to listen, they were able to solve their own problem. Parents of adolescents fall easily into lecturing too much and listening too little; they must force themselves to "shut up and listen!" Prying or fear-based invasion of a teen's privacy will destroy openness; a long-established habit of patient, unflappable interest and sensitivity will create trust and assurance of love.
All of this takes time. "Quality time" is a myth designed to assuage the guilt of too busy people. Quality of involvement takes quantity of time. Every day is not too often. Hours long "dates" and daylong outings are not too long. Listening and talking take time. Getting to know each other as parent and child takes time. Training a child in faith and virtue takes time, and children can admire and emulate only those around enough to be seen (and they will spend their time with someone, somewhere!). Learning together, working together, and having fun together take time. What other expenditure of time is more valuable? The simple truth is that everyone finds time to do what really matters to them, and nothing should matter more than one's children.
Time and involvement will eventually reveal both the doubts and fears of the child and areas of disagreement between the diverging personalities of parents and child. Wise, loving parents work extra hard to convey their acceptance of the person, despite their own or their child's feelings. Acceptance is a critical element of love and of enduring relationships. Selfish, insecure people require agreement, conformity, and control to fortify their own worth. Secure, loving people can tolerate disagreement, loved ones finding their own way to maturity; they will affirm their love but allow their spouse or children the freedom to be themselves. Even when they make mistakes, poor choices, and do wrong, the loving parent will accept the person while rejecting the sin, just as God has done for us.
Closely related to acceptance is respect. In some situations, including one of our mission statements , I use respect instead of love to avoid the confusion I discussed above. In human terms, respect is an attitude that affirms another's equality in every way: "You are as much a creature in God's image as I am. You have a right to be your own person. Regardless of the differences between us in age, gender, race, religion, experience, education, economic or social standing, or preferences about a multitude of things, I will not deny you your humanity, your right to life, property, citizenship, or liberty, or intrinsic value." You cannot love a neighbor without respecting him, and parents cannot love their child without respect for him or her.
Loving mentors are good for kids. Many parents will never see this. Many parents will choose to reject their children to serve their own interests. Some parents face challenges beyond their control, whether of their own doing or not. Some children need more than their parents can give. Some self-centered parents are jealous of the attentions of any other adult. No child can have too much wholesome attention and love, especially from caring adults. A teacher, a family friend, a parent of a friend, a coach, a grandparent, a neighbor, or an adult from church can become a mentor, who basically listens, keeps confidences, affirms, encourages, gently corrects (but without parental authority), and loves unconditionally. They may mentor in a specific capacity, such as a teacher or coach, or they may do so merely as a godly friend and influence. A mentor can become the sounding board and friend who supports faith and virtue, in place of a peer or older friend who encourages all the wrong things. Loving mentors are especially critical for children abused or abandoned by their parents, children in single parent homes, orphaned children, and children with special needs. Mentors are invaluable for almost any teen to help offset the pressures, distortions, and outright lies of the world (that is, peers and culture), the flesh (their own bad instincts), and the devil.
A mentor is not a parent, must never presume to take over the parental role (without legal provision or agreement by parent and child, in cases such as guardians and step parents). Some teachers think that their "expertise" gives them priority over untrained parents; yet, no one can or should usurp the ties of blood and promise that make a family. A mentor can support the parent or, where the parent is grossly irresponsible or inaccessible by adoption or death, help the child understand and realistically love their parent(s).
In any case, the mentor reinforces the love of parents and family, in many of the ways described above (with care for issues of impropriety and harassment), and provides a strong, positive message of love to counter the negative messages they suspect or hear. In this, a mentor has a power that a parent does not, a persuasive influence by choice that carries a weight that the requirements of parents cannot. A mentor's affirmation, acceptance, attention, encouragement, and love, without any kind of inherent obligation, conveys a truth that may not be so easily accepted when a parent or relative says it (Mom and Dad have to love me, but this friend loves me because he or she wants to, finds something good in me, believes in me, or cares for me just because she does!). Of course, in time and sometimes with the encouragement of a mentor, a child will eventually come to appreciate fully that their parents’ love is matchless and genuine.
For these reasons, and in this way, every kid needs a mentor!
Of course, most of us benefit from having mentors, people who influence us as we grow as individuals, in our careers, as spouses and parents, and through the difficult passages of life. Good mentors teach from their wisdom, show us by their example, and sometimes speak to us the hard truths we need to avoid even greater troubles, perhaps of our own making. A mentor’s maturity may offer a perspective that helps others accept their own and other’s failings, resolve conflicts, reconcile broken relationships, and find healing. Our world needs more mentors like this; I call them peacemakers, and becoming peacemakers is the subject of Part IV.
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